Fifth

Sometimes you know there is always this feeling you can’t shake off. You thought it’s temporary but it ended up it’s the otherwise and real.

You know clearly there is no way that it will work out at all but you still want to do something just to see that smile, the look and look forward to the time being together.  

You know clearly nothing will come out from what you have done but you still do it nevertheless.

You know clearly that all the signs are point away but you delude yourself thinking probably you’re being too sensitive.

You know clearly it meant nothing but you deceive yourself that it meant something.

You know clearly you’re being a bother but you still just want to have that a little attention, albeit for a few seconds.

You know clearly you’re not even same league or not even the same sports to being with, but you are doing something out of logical sense.

You know clearly you are not and you will be afraid or even reject the idea, if the opportunity came clear in front of you.

You know clearly that one time that when hands are held for a short while and the hug, you should be contented.

You know clearly that it won’t happen anymore.

You know clearly that it was the last time.

You know clearly it meant nothing.

But you still would do stupid things just to ensure as much as possible the person’s life is easier and taken care of and expect absolutely nothing back. Then you realise only when you’re drunk, the world would then seems to be slightly better, slightly happier and slightly numbed from the emotions.

Fourth

Once someone told me that one shouldn’t confuse lonely with companionship and I was readily agree to that but now I’m confused. It was nice for a while. Probably, it is just a silly infatuation. I thought it was fine but I somewhat understand, it’s not. I thought things are going well, but apparently it’s not, through hints. Probably, I’m too sensitive or maybe thinking way too much. It was probably nothing in the beginning.

Disappointed, yes. Upset, definitely. But at the very least, I gained some perspective and that being that, I should know and I know where I stand now.  I understand too. Well, that’s life eh? It’s always not that simple.

I was thinking probably enough alcohol in my body right now can make me escape this. I really don’t want to deal with this. I just want to escape from everything. The only thing that can make me smile right now is alcohol and good music. 

Second

What am I thinking, recently? That particular day I thought the one thing, which was and still is important to me, was finally coming true but the very next day, it wasn’t what I thought, not even close.  Should I do more? Did I think too much?  Did I do something wrong? Those open questions haunt me till today. I want a closure but at the same time I’m afraid of that. What if whatever I thought and assumed was not the truth? Will it be too devastating for me?

Some friends around me occasionally ask me the reason of why do I like to drink. I would just tell them that I like the feeling of getting tipsy, having fun with friends and doing stupid things. Well, I wasn’t lying, I do like those but I left out that whenever I drink, I trying to forget that particular day that was imprinted in my mind for probably the rest of my life.

"I don't even care if I know you

Out of our minds

Sad to leave it all behind

We'll be coming back for you one day"

Will I? Honestly, I have told myself that I become successful in life, I would try again. But I guess chances are real slim. 

First Post

So, its 2013 now. I guess pretty much no one blogs anymore in this facebook generation. So, here I am, starting a new post, feeling pretty safe about it since no one ever take much attention.

So, throughout the years I have learnt many things and gradually accepting my fate or rather realizing that the reality of my life only after it's too late. Take my education life for a good example, in the early school days, I always thought that as long as I passed my subjects, it would be fine. Even in secondary school, I scrapped through and got myself into express class with just a pass in one of my languages and two other subjects. Then, I still didn't learn my lesson. I guess that I chose to ignore the consequences that it would bring in my life. Reality smacked me right in my face when I failed my mathematics in my O levels and I had to retake my O levels again.

I couldn't possibly blame anyone else but myself. You see, it was the chain reaction, during my primary school education and I regretted not working hard on my PSLE and was more enthusiastic about trading Pokemon through my Gameboy cable to complete my Pokedex ( and one time somehow I didn’t get my Pokemon while my friend got mine after we double checked several times and I suspect it's still stuck along the cable somewhere) with my friends, and ultimately got myself a PSLE score of 204 and honestly, it was just mediocre, in fact to some, it’s horrible. If I were to manage to get a much higher score, I probably would have enter in a competitive environment where I might be influenced by the surroundings, then probably that would change my perspectives in education during my secondary school life.

Speaking of which, I still think that O level or L1R4 scores shouldn’t be the requirement for entering a course for diploma. I actually do understand the issue of too much demand than supply hence the need for it but on an idealistic mindset, shouldn’t students be allowed to study what they’re interested in and not be restricted by the score they had. I mean, I got into my diploma because I had no way to turn to because of my scores and right now, I’m majoring in marketing. It’s as if I had thrown away my diploma or rather wasted my 3 years studying for it and starting on something new.  Yeah, I’m aware that if students want to study what they want regardless of their O level score, that’s what the private schools are for. But hard truth to be told, in this stereotypical and judgmental society, private certification to put against local university certification, everyone know who will lose out before the interview begins. Yes, that piece of paper isn’t really worth much once one started talking about related experience but until then, the comparison of schools had already started subconsciously.

Anyway I had digressed far away, like what Sydney J. Harris’s quote, 

“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”  

This is true. My regrets about things and/or actions that I didn't do heavily outweighing the regrets of those things I have done.

Till now, I always believe and I know that if I did the otherwise instead of what I had actually did in the past, things will probably be different now. But what I have left now, it’s just a series of open ended questions. Like, if I bought my TOTO at another time period or a different place, I could be the sole winner of that 5 million during NDP.  

But I know those answers to the open ended questions in the back of my mind will never be known to me. So I’ve learnt that perhaps I should do or say what I feel like without much considering the consequences. Nothing illegal of course, I mean it can’t be put into use in the form of I regretted not cutting up someone’s throat, drain the blood out, hang the body up the tree letting the vultures to feast on for days then burn the remains and finally extinguish the fire with his or her own blood when I have the perfect chance to do it.

What I mean is I shouldn’t let myself to have any regrets of things that I didn’t do and letting it come back to bite my ass in the future like how my regrets are biting my ass right now.